There is an epidemic going on and most of us have no idea. This epidemic which causes severe effects on our physical, mental and emotional health is called: Loneliness. You might be thinking, “Seriously? we are more connected than ever now because of all the social media!” Well… we have it all wrong… According to a national study done by Cigna, nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone (46%), only (18%) of all the individuals surveyed reported feeling they have someone they can honestly and openly communicate with, Generation Z (Adults ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation and claims to be in worse health than older generations. This extremely alarming considering it is getting worse over the years and considering all the health consequences that chronic loneliness can bring, not only physical consequences because of the stress hormone, but also a life of social maladjustment, which can bring so many negative consequences like, high dropout rates in teens, mental health issues and even suicide.
What gives us a good quality of life and true joy in the long run? What is that recipe to live a long and healthy life?
A longitudinal study conducted by Harvard University answered all my questions. The Grant study began in the 1930s and continued for several generations, it is one of the longest studies conducted by Harvard. They followed a group of boys and their life trajectory for 75 years. They wanted to find out what really made people healthy and happy. Every single year they were asked their about private and professional life, every type of data you can think of was collected, and this study has been passed for generations among different researches of the university, currently being led by Robert J. Waldinger. The answer to this study has shocked quite a few.
True joy in the long run, has nothing to do with money or status. According to this amazing study, true joy comes from having healthy social connections. Having good connections with people keeps us happy and healthy. But here is the catch, it is not the amount, but the quality of these relationships that counts. There are three things we can learn from this study.
- People who have healthy social connections with either family or friends are healthier and happier than people who report feeling lonely.
- Chronic feelings of loneliness are extremely damaging to our physical, psychological and mental health. People who have healthy and strong connections with other people have better cognitive and memory abilities. Research shows that people who experience loneliness, later have faster memory decay than those who a have a strong attachment with someone.
- It is not the quantity but the quality of this connection that really makes a difference. You can have 10000 friends on social media and feel lonely.
The power of a friendship
In this post, I want to give importance to a very important type of relationship that at times we undervalue: friendship, which is one of the main pillars of our physical, psychological and mental well-being. We make the mistake of thinking that we have enough with our immediate family members, or something very common nowadays, we confuse social media connections or every day connections with the definition of a real, true and healthy friendship.
What is a healthy friendship?
Great question, how do we define a healthy friendship?, or how do we define a healthy relationship with anybody? There has been extensive research done on this topic and overall, we have three main characteristics of a true and healthy friendship:
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A true friendship is positive
It makes you feel good. Of course, you might be thinking, “Vanessa it is not possible to always feel happy”, Obviously, you will have difficult times; but the key here is that with this person you have more good times than bad times, with this person you mostly feel happy and good to be with. This goes from laughing to how this person makes you feel when you have hard times (Is this person Empathetic?, does this person make you feel like it is always a competition?, is it all about the other person and never about you?) and this brings me to necessity #2 of a healthy friendship.
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Vulnerability
Just as Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection said, “Authentic friends are the ones you can share your vulnerability and shame with”. Without vulnerability, there is no real and healthy relationship whatsoever. In every real connection with another person, you must be able and willing to open up and show your true self, your thoughts, your problems, your worries, your difficulties, your goals, your expectations, your dreams. This is so important! Why? Because of: Intimacy. Every true relationship needs intimacy. Think about it, from a friend to a marriage, we need to maintain a level of intimacy that differentiates us from other people. You feel connected on a different level with a person when you feel you can open up and feel heard and understood and also when you make the effort of opening up and showing that side that makes you feel vulnerable. Sincerity must always come first in a friendship, if we catch ourselves making lies or hiding much of our life, then we really need to ask ourselves if this is a true friendship. This is why empathy is so important in a healthy relationship. A real and healthy friend is the one with whom you can be your true self and not feel judged. We all have a deep desire to feel that we are being heard, so a true friend is the one who hears you out without judgment and instead of feeling sorry for you, is able to put him/herself in your shoes. A true friend is not there only to have fun but is also there for support, it is a reciprocal relationship (This is why we must help our kids develop empathy starting at an early age, it is crucial for any healthy relationship) And lastly, requirement #3 is one thing we must do in every relationship to maintain it.
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Is present
And this does not mean living next to your friend or in the same city. Chances are as we grow, we will live far away, or we might go through busy times, I get it. But it is also true that is we don’t touch base with this person, over time the friendship will fade away. There must be a level of presence, however you do it, there has to be a feeling that the other person is “There” even though he/she might not be talking with you every day or seeing each other all the time.
If one of these three necessities is missing, then it is not a real and healthy friendship, yes, it is a person we know and we get along with, which don’t get me wrong its great! But that does not take away the fact that we NEED true, close, and healthy friends, these types of friends are the ones who will be a support system and who will bring all these positive aspects in our lives.
So, you might ask me, “Vanessa how do I make friends?!” Well, the good news is, you can work the friends you already have!, you can reach that level of friendship by learning about this and working on these aspects, and if you are all in the same boat then that’s great! If not; then find that person, even if it’s 1 person and work on getting to that level; I can guarantee you will receive more benefits from this 1 friendship than the 300 friends you already have but don’t really feel like “True friendships”.
The results of the Harvard study are not complicated or new ideas. But in a society increasingly focused on individualism, competition and with the highest rate of loneliness, this might come as a surprise. I see so many people focused on other things that yes, are very important, but at times we are oblivious to the extreme negative effects of the feeling of isolation.
The good news I give you today is that you can forget about becoming a famous movie start, a model, a CEO or a president in order to obtain true and real happiness. Happiness does not come from where a lot of people have been led to believe. Studies like the one done by Harvard open our eyes into putting more effort into our social relationships and teaching our kids the importance of a true and healthy friendship.
Quality of life and true joy can simply be summed up into this:
