So, I did a little experiment the other day with my daughter and niece and I would love for you to try it out! You have probably noticed how kids stare sometimes right? That’s exactly what my daughter and niece were doing the other day, staring at a little girl, both of them with a very serious face. I thought to myself, this is a great moment to teach them about connecting with others and the power of a smile, I called my daughter first, “Sarah, come here for a minute please”, as soon as she came and looked at me, I smiled and I held the smile without saying anything, she instantly smiled back, I laughed and told her, “Sarah, let’s try this with your cousin, I am going to call her and when she comes and looks at you, you will smile and hold that smile to see what happens”, when my niece came, without saying a word, Sarah smiled, not even two seconds passed and she smiled back. The three of us laughed and it was a great opportunity to talk about what it means to connect with other people, we talked about nonverbal communication and how it feels when someone is staring at you, also about the power of a smile and how amazing it is that when we smile at someone and we hold that smile, something amazing happens, the other person will smile back, it was a great way to introduce them to what we call “Mirror neurons”.
It’s very simple: if you smile at someone and hold that smile, you’ll make the other person smile back. Try it out today, look at a person and smile, but hold that smile! You will see how the other person smiles back at you as a reaction. Call it what you want, but truly it is a science that was discovered by Giacomo Rizzolatti and his team: why human beings learn by imitating, all thanks to mirror neurons.
It’s exactly what happens when someone yawns and you do it too, or when you see someone scoring a goal and you scream your eyes out, it’s exactly what happens when you see someone smile at you, you cannot help but smile back. This is all because of a group of cells which main function is to connect us to other human beings, with gestures, movements, or looks; they have a very important mission for our survival which is to imitate what we observe, this is why they are called “mirror”, they activate that part of our brain responsible for performing a behavior.
These mirror neurons are responsible for empathy and socialization, they are located in the inferior frontal gyrus and in the parietal lobe. They are responsible for the feeling you have after you see someone suffering, you almost feel as if it hurt you.
Children are born with a natural need and desire to connect with others. We can help them develop effective interpersonal skills by not only establishing positive interactions with them but also by helping them develop social and emotional health. Something as simple as this exercise with my niece and daughter really helped them understand how important nonverbal communication is, like facial expressions in our lives. This and so many different exercises can positively affect how they see the world, how they express themselves, how they manage their emotions and how they begin and maintain relationships with others.
Not all children have the same temperament, some are extroverts, while others are more introverts. One child might enjoy making lots of friends while another might prefer two or three close friends, and that is perfectly fine! Our culture has a huge influence on how we believe we should act, as a Venezuelan I can tell you that Hispanic culture might place a little more pressure on being an extrovert, on the other hand, Asian culture gives more value to being introvert rather than extrovert. What we need to remember is that one is not better than the other, what is crucial in life is to develop the ability to make positive connections with others. Are we able to connect with other people?
When we feel connected with others, we are more likely to have the motivation to show up and do the work, to hang on when we feel tired and to believe in ourselves. Research has shown that a big reason why students drop out of school is because they did not have a positive connection with anyone, they felt isolated and alone. In the USA we are having a school dropout crisis! We are losing up to 1.2 million students a year. That is 7,000 students a day, one student every 26 seconds! Something is going on and it’s not good… kids are not developing the ability to make positive social connections. It is crucial that teachers and we as parents provide them with social nourishment, not only academic. Give them the skills and the opportunities to make these connections with family, teachers, and peers. Something as valuable as Social Emotional Learning can give these children the tools they need to develop empathy, grit and perseverance, that warm and caring toughness in character that will help them get up and keep going when things get hard.
What can we do to help our children establish and maintain positive connections with others?
1. Give them opportunities to make these connections.
Take her to the park, museum, library, sports, play dates, activities, there are so many opportunities for them to practice these skills! In my experience all of these settings have given me an opportunity to talk to my children just like I did in the ice skating lesson about so many topics that are crucial for them to develop emotional intelligence, this brings me to my next tip.
2. Teach your child how to “Break the ice” in different situations.
It is not easy for anybody (I made a post about this before!) to know how to make connections with other people, so practice with them how to properly introduce themselves and hold a conversation.
3. Organize play dates.
Play dates give them the opportunity to really get to know someone. Something as simple as going to the park or getting ice cream can really strengthen the bond between two children.
4. Model appropriate behavior.
Be a good friend yourself. Your child is watching how you interact with others. Get out there and meet people. Teach your child how to start a conversation by doing it yourself with other people. Help a friend in need, so your child grows up understanding what it means to be a good friend.
5. Reinforce social skills.
Look for opportunities to talk about kindness, manners, and respect. Let them do most of the talking and explain how they felt at any given situation or how would they feel if that happened to them. For example, talk about what it means to be a good friend (good friends don’t bully, get physical or act bossy, they listen, they talk to each other, they share, and they have each other’s back). As I always say, we are our children’s life coaches, we have a huge influence in shaping their behavior by the way we act and what we teach them as they grow. If you see a positive behavior, tell them! reinforce it! If you see a negative behavior, talk about it, encourage them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes, if they are going to a play date, talk about rules and manners. We teach our children social skills with patience, example, and repetition.
