We spend a lot of our time as parents teaching our kids how they are expected to behave at home, at school or a somebody’s house; but what happens when we take them out to public places, maybe to a restaurant, or an important event like a graduation. When we go to these events, we want to have a pleasant time, eat and drink while enjoying a conversation and we have a picture in our minds of having well-behaved children, right? So our first thought is to give them specific rules of behavior that they must follow, otherwise…. Believe me, I have been there, but children are a bit more complex than that.
This is where my mixture of psychology and etiquette go into play. It is crucial to start educating our children in good manners starting at an early age, but keep in mind that a child’s cognitive and behavioral ability is very much related to their age and development, children are not robots, while we teach them manners we must also keep in mind that they are kids, this is why it is so important to learn as much as possible about discipline techniques, emotional intelligence, what can we normally expect from their developmental age, most importantly we must work on ourselves as parents! I can’t tell you how much of their future behavior is going to depend on our behavior as parents, what environment are they growing in, how do we talk and behave in front of them, how do we discipline them, our level of patience, do we build or shatter their self-esteem (At times without even realizing it). All these aspects go into play when we are teaching our children social skills. It is really a long-term process which requires, repetition and a lot, A LOT of patience.
When it comes to taking my kids to public places, I want to work not only on social rules which believe me require repetition! But also, I want to work on patience.
Patience
OK so let’s get patience out the way first, why? Because impatience is something very typical in children. Their concept of time is different than ours; to begin with, small children don’t even understand how to tell time, and secondly, for them, the process of waiting takes forever! Teaching them to handle the frustration that comes with displaying patience is a process that takes time and will be acquired with lots of practice.
On the other hand, it is important as parents to help them learn how to handle frustration and learn positive and appropriate ways to wait patiently, and I say this because we are raising kids in a technology era in which they have iPhone, iPads, and Nintendos. Although we might sometimes give these to them, we have to be aware that if we don’t expose them to situations in which they have to practice patience and learn to deal with the frustration that comes with waiting without giving them the iPad or Nintendo, they won’t learn how to do in a positive way, so we have to put limits.
Here are some strategies to help you teach your child how to be more patient:
1. Set an example. Always! kids learn by modeling
We always need to keep in mind the concept of modeling when raising kids. They are watching and listening to every word we say, so be aware of how you behave in times in which you need to wait patiently (In traffic, at the doctor, in a long line, when our child takes a long time to eat) How many times without even realizing do we display attitudes that do not really show them how to handle frustration but on the other hand shows them anxiety? It really starts with us as parents and when we make mistakes and we lose our patience, we must apologize and use those moments as learning experiences.
2. Be flexible
We are dealing with kids so we must work on our patience ourselves. There will be situations which will be extremely hard for your child to practice patience (If your child is hungry, tired, sleepy, cranky) In these cases we also must be a little understanding and breathe. I also highly advise to use routines and schedules, program your day according to what you need to do in advance.
3. Expose them to situations that require waiting
By age 2, we can start teaching them how to wait patiently. It can be as little as two minutes and in everyday situations like waiting for a toy or waiting for a sandwich. You see kids are raised in an environment in which they get everything right away so how can we expect them to learn to wait patiently at a restaurant when they have been used to get what they want as soon as they ask for it.
4. Teach positive behaviors.
How to ask for things in a courteous way, and most importantly do not give your child what he/she wants in the middle of a tantrum. Remember it is with our daily interaction with them, that we teach them how the world works.
5. Be consistent with what you say
When you promise something, do it. If you tell your child to wait patiently and “After eating, we will play” then do it, this way your child learns that the positive outcomes are worthwhile.
6. Prepare them in advance
Things will be a lot easier if we tell them what we behavior we are expecting. If you are going to an important event make sure you go over the appropriate behavior they must have. Also, during a situation in which your child is feeling frustrated, explaining why they should wait really helps. “We have to eat first and then play because if not your food will get cold”
7. Get creative
Get creative and make up games along the way. “How many blue cars can you see?”. Also, take toys or coloring pages to teach your child how to get entertained while waiting.
8. Be aware of their age and developmental level.
Small children will find waiting a lot harder than older kids. Starting at an early age we can teach them to take turns and explain the advantages of taking turns, this goes from waiting for a toy, to not interrupting a conversation. With time and repetition, they will understand it.
Out and About Etiquette & Manners
It important that we start teaching them appropriate social rules, here I will give a list of basic things you can go over with your child. Ideally, they should know these rules by age 9, but always remember this goes hand in hand with other social skills like patience, self-control and keep in mind their maturity level.
- Saying “Please” and “Thank you”
- Not interrupting a conversation unless it is an emergency. And always use the word “Excuse me”.
- Never interrupt elders when they are talking, unless it is an emergency.
- If you have nothing kind to say then don’t say anything at all. Keep negative opinions to yourself and do say compliments.
- When greeting, shake hands and look at the person in the eyes.
- When someone asks you “How are you” answer back with a question, “I am well thank you, how are you?
- Be grateful for any gift you receive, even if you don’t like it, what counts is the intention so always say “Thank you”.
- Never use bad or inappropriate words.
- Do not make offensive jokes about anyone. Do not call people inappropriate or mean names.
- When going to hear someone give a speech, give that person your full attention.
- If you hurt someone, even if it is an accident, say “I’m sorry”.
- Cover your mouth when sneezing or coughing, never blow your nose in public, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.
- When walking through a door, hold the door for the person behind you. Always give your seat to the elderly, disabled, pregnant women or babies.
- When someone asks you for a favor, do it with a good attitude.
- If someone helps you, say “thank you.”
- When you are ready to eat, put the napkin on your lap, use it to clean your mouth when needed.
- Practice using the utensils correctly; if you are unsure, ask your parents, or watch how other people do it.
- If you need something at the table, ask the person nearest to the item to pass it, never put your arm on top of another person’s plate.
- Practice self-control, there are places to run and be loud and then there are other places to act calm and collected.
- Remember to have a positive and respectful attitude.
