This week I put a post on the importance of developing a secure attachment with our child and why this so important for their overall emotional and physical health. I received quite a few questions about it, one of these questions was, “I see that my child has a stronger attachment to mom. As a father, can I also develop a strong attachment with my son/daughter?” Absolutely! And in this post, I am going to give you a few tips to strengthen your relationship with your child.
What is a secure attachment?
It is the early, strong, affectionate bond we develop with our child through our daily interaction and by satisfying their needs (emotional and physical needs). Although people think that a strong bond is usually associated with mom, the father also plays a crucial role in the physical and emotional development of his son or daughter.
Why is having a secure attachment important?
A child who develops a secure attachment with his/her parents has a much better chance of having a positive emotional development, these children have a higher self-esteem, perform better at school, have better social skills and are much more stable emotionally, they are less likely to suffer from anxiety or depression because the child has a protective figure at home that will be a support system when facing difficult life situations.
Is the father-child attachment as important as the mother-child bond?
Yes! Absolutely! It has the same level of importance as the mother-child attachment. But this bond will greatly depend on how this attachment is built: the level of closeness, the feeling of safety that he transmits and the amount of quality time he has with his child. We can have a case in which the child develops a secure attachment with mom and an insecure attachment with dad or vice versa. We can have a case in which the mother is physically or emotionally absent and over time it is the father who develops a secure attachment with the child, in which case the father-child attachment will be immensely important, it can be a crucial factor in this child’s emotional development.
How is the father-child attachment developed?
This attachment starts developing even before the child is born! During pregnancy, dad will start creating a bond with the baby, all the images and thoughts he has about the baby, every time he talks to the baby, hearing the baby’s heartbeat, looking at the baby in the ultrasound, buying the baby’s furniture and clothes, all these things happen even before the baby is born. After the baby is born, it is crucial that dad spends time with his son or daughter as well as support mom in any help she might need. His interaction with the baby, helping with the daily routine, holding the baby, signing to the baby, getting as involved as possible in the baby’s life is exactly how he strengthens the father-child bond.
Is it advisable for fathers to have paternity leave for this purpose?
I feel very strongly about this topic. Paid paternity leave should be a right for fathers and for mothers. It is crucial for dad to take a break from work in order to direct all his energy to mom, the baby and this new stage that is beginning in their lives. Having the father figure present at home when the baby arrives is not only important in order to start developing a father-child bond, but it is essential in order to strengthen the father-mother relationship. The United States is a developed country that does have a national law requiring companies to offer paid paternity leave, reality is that most parents cannot afford to take unpaid paternity leave. Not only that, but according to the DOL Paternity Brief given to us by the United States Department of Labor, “Even where men have access to paid leave, they might still cut their leaves short to avoid being perceived as less dedicated employees.” – Paternity Leave: Why Parental Leave for Fathers Is So Important for Working Families
This tells us that it is not only a matter of our country not requiring paid paternity leave, it is a matter of the way our workplace culture operates. As a society we need to start valuing the “Father’s role” in every child’s life, we must start by doing two things:
1. Change our workplace culture, encourage fathers to get involved with their newborn infants, discourage fathers to feel bad about taking time off to be with their newborn.
3. Make it a national requirement for companies to offer PAID paternity leave.
If we want to REALLY achieve gender equality in our society, at home and at the workplace, we must give both women and men the same opportunities to be with their child and not feel worried or bad about it.
How can dad develop a secure attachment if he is working outside the home?
We live in a time in which not only dad works outside, in many cases, both parents work outside or maybe dad stays with the child and mom is the breadwinner. In any case, if dad is working outside the home, it is crucial that he finds periods of time to have quality time with the child; remember, quality is more important than quantity! For example, if you get home at night, make an effort to spend quality time with your son or daughter and there are many ways to do this: play, read, give the baby a bottle, change the baby, put the baby to sleep, hold the baby, putting your toddler to bed, reading to your daughter or your daughter reading to you! Remember, the TV or the newspaper can wait after your child goes to sleep, it shouldn’t be the other way around. Also, use the weekends to spend time with your child: walk the baby in the stroller, go out with your daughter, talk with your son while doing an activity together, listen to music together, play a game or a sport.
Age appropriate Father-child activities to develop a secure attachment
Infant: the most important way you can develop a bond or an attachment with your baby is to get involved with the daily routine: bathing, feeding, playing, changing or putting to sleep. You see, while you do these activities with your baby, you are not only taking care of him/her, but it is during these activities that you and your baby look at each other, smile, touch and communicate. Enjoy this time with your child, you might think it’s only a routine, but it is much more than that, these are the building blocks for having a secure attachment with your child.
2-5 years old: during this stage, your child is starting to have certain interests and inclinations towards games or activities, but they are a roller coaster when it comes to emotions and of course let’s not forget the famous temper tantrums! Encourage your child to explore and develop relationships while always keeping him/her safe. Be a support system when your child is in the middle of this emotional roller coaster. I understand how hard it can be to deal with temper tantrums, that is why I always encourage parents to also work on their level of patience, this is crucial to have a balance between positive and age appropriate discipline and understanding their developmental level. As your child grows and is able to communicate, you can use your time with him/her to tell stories, read books and talk about happened during the day.
Tweens and Teens: during these years your baby (not so baby anymore) is showing a lot of interest in his/her friends and social life; but don’t be mistaken, your child still needs you, and a lot! we must learn to have a balance between respecting their privacy but also keeping a level of contact with them, give them lots love and affection and of course give them your time to talk about any issues, thoughts, ideas or concerns. I always tell parents to find that space in their everyday craziness to have private time to talk about their day or about anything! why not have your own bedtime ritual, or have a sport you both play together during the weekend, teach your daughter or son something only you know, this is exactly how you create a level of intimacy and complicity between you and your child. I can’t stress enough how important it is to work not only on their discipline but on the parent-child relationship, especially during this stage which is full of changes in so many levels.
What do I want to leave you with after reading this blog post?
A father is a crucial figure in the physical and emotional development of a child. Work work work on your relationship with your child, starting even before they are born by getting involved in the pregnancy. When your child is just an infant, he/she will start developing an attachment with you depending on your level of involvement, the baby will look for you to feel happy, to calm down, to feel safe, when hot or cold, or when hungry. If you don’t have a lot of time because you work outside the home, make sure you find that time to get involved in your child’s routine, I can assure you that your child will start recognizing your smell and voice, and will start associating these with a feeling of safety and happiness. If mom is “Always” the one who takes care of the baby’s routine, then the baby will associate these feelings with her. It is during this stage that the father can start forming a strong attachment with his child!
But let me not forget another crucial aspect of your role in your child’s life. The support and love you give to mom, starting when she is pregnant and after having the baby makes a huge impact on your child. Why? When a woman feels cared for and loved, there are so many positive consequences. Her emotional and physical health puts her in a better disposition to take care of the baby.
There is numerous research that shows how the way your treat your child’s mother will impact your child as he/she grows and the type of adults they will become in the future. Look at it this way, you are showing your daughter the type of man she should be with when she grows up, and you are showing your son the type of man he should become when he grows up.
You might be asking, “What if I don’t live with my child’s mother?” of course this makes it more challenging, but never impossible. You still have obligations with your child, and a big obligation is to be an emotional support and to be a positive role model and presence in his/her upbringing.
The love you feel for your son or daughter and the relationship you develop with them is essential for their happiness, their academic and social-emotional success, it is as important as the relationship they develop with their mom. I wish I could tell you a specific set of rules that will guarantee an amazing relationship with your child, but I can’t because parenting is a journey that will involve many beautiful and amazing moments but also many moments that will be challenging and exhausting. What I can tell you for certain is, no father has a chip in his brain that tells him how to be a “Great father”, parenting is a learning experience that never stops; but I am sure that if you commit to work on your relationship with your child by spending quality time and by having the mindset and patience to try different ways of having this quality time, you will significantly strengthen your relationship with your son/daughter and believe me when I tell you, this makes an unimaginable difference in their life in so many ways.
“Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad, and that’s why I call you dad, because you are so special to me. You taught me the game and you taught me how to play it right.” -Wade Boggs (American former professional baseball player).
