Maria goes to a new school, she was very happy at the beginning, but then something changed. She realized that a group of girls started spreading rumors about her. She came home one day, and you saw her crying in her room and shortly after that she started complaining about headaches and stomach pains, she started saying she did not want to go to school, and when she went to school, she did everything she could to not get close to these girls.
Peter’s case is a bit different. Every day he comes home, and he keeps asking you for more and more money to buy lunch, the problem is when he gets home from school he is starving! You have no idea but at school, Peter is having to give money to a boy who threatens him that if he does not give him money, he will beat him up.
These situations can easily transform into a living nightmare for children. It can cause severe consequences, from doing everything possible to avoid going to school, recess or the bus, to severe depression and trauma. In severe cases, it can involve injuries and destruction of property. Sadly, harassment and bullying are not uncommon. According to research, the majority of children have experienced some sort of harassment or bullying at school.
Even if harassment or bullying is not a problem your child is experiencing right now, it is crucial that we talk to them about this topic and what to do if they ever experience it. I am a firm believer that starting at an early age we need to help our kids develop skills that will not only help them if they live a similar situation, but it will also prevent them from being the bullies themselves.
Chances are at some point in their lives a friend will tease your child. It is important for them to know the difference between playing and crossing the line. When teasing causes harm and it is a repeated action, it becomes harassment and it must be stopped immediately.
Harassment and bullying can take many forms: ignoring, excluding, spreading rumors, insulting, humiliating, threatening, taking money or private property, physical violence; social media has also become a big source of harassment and bullying.
I want to get something very clear, this must be taken seriously! This is not a joke or a phase, or a “Kid thing”, no child should have to endure this abusive behavior which; don’t be mistaken, will cause serious consequences to the child’s self-esteem and personal feeling of safety, there have been severe cases in which harassment and bullying have ended up in tragedies, like shootings or suicide.
But, how do I even know if my child is being a victim?
If you have a child who comes to you and tells you what is going on, then wonderful, but this is not always the case.
A big sign is a child who starts displaying unusual behavior. I don’t mean he is having a “Bad” day, I mean you see a change in behavior, your child is not acting like him/herself. Fears are also a big sign that something is going on (Of going to the bus or school, to being left alone), anxiety, sleeping problems, he/she appears withdrawn, changes in mood, very low self-esteem. You might see items disappearing, changes in grades, the child has fewer friends, the child has bruises or any sort of physical marks.
Don’t be afraid of asking your child if something is concerning you. And remember that at times, we say more with our body language and nonverbal communication than with our words. If your child is avoiding having this conversation, does not feel comfortable or does not want to talk, there are certain things you can do. First, look for indirect ways to get him/her to talk, this might be while playing, reading a story or watching TV (When you see a specific scene in a TV show, talk about it, “What do you think about what is going on?” “What do you think this person might have done differently”) these questions can lead you to ask if he/she has ever been in this situation, you could also talk about the experiences you had while growing up. Another important step is to talk to an adult who might give you more information about your child, maybe the teacher or one of your child’s friend. It is crucial to always have a close eye on our child and always always always make sure he/she knows that you are there to offer help and support in any way possible.
What to do if my child is being bullied?
- First thing first, always believe what your child is telling you!!!! We want our child to trust us, we want our child to come to us when he/she has a problem in the future.
- Secondly, give the child reassurance of your unconditional support and help.
- Whether you think it is true or not, you must first talk to the teacher and share what your child has told you. It is important to ask the faculty to manage this situation accordingly and not allow it.
- If the teacher tells you that your child is not saying the truth, keep investigating, talk to other faculty members and the school counselor, and again never show your child any level of distrust, we do not want our children to alienate from us. Worst case scenario, if the school tells you that this is a normal situation among children (Crazy but it happens!) then your child is in a school where violence is viewed as normal, in which case there will be little support for victims. What can you do in this case? you can address this topic to all levels of the school administration and faculty, you can address it to the Parent Teacher Association, the school counselor, superintendent and even the department of education. For more information on what to do, I highly recommend you go to www.stopbullying.gov, it is an excellent resource for learning about bullying and it even has short videos to show our children about how to identify and deal with bullying. Lastly, there is the option of changing them to another school, remember, our most important priority is our child’s emotional, mental and physical well-being.
Give your child the skills and tools to defend him/herself
- We must teach them what bullying is, and how to identify it.
- We must work on teaching them social-emotional skills, to not only know what bullying is but to have empathy and to care about others.
- Teach them to speak up, to not only get help if they are being bullied but to not be a bystander if someone is being bullied. We want to make sure they understand they should never stay silent if they are being a victim or if someone else if being a victim.
- They must understand that they have a voice in deciding who they are going to play with and who will be their close friends. Teach them to stay away from kids who do not show respect and kindness towards others.
- Teach your child helpful and assertive ways to answer. “Stop hitting me, I will not allow it”, “Do not hit me”, “Stop screaming at me” we want them to speak up in an assertive way, and this is something I practice with my kids, how to use our tone of voice in a way that is not aggressive but that commands respect.
- Another big topic that we must address is the concept of being a coward. At times a child will think that running away from a dangerous situation displays a cowardly behavior. We must make sure that they understand that if they are in a dangerous or violent situation, it is not cowardly to get away from a person who might otherwise hurt them.
Other tips for helping them deal with this situation (While always getting involved with the school so they can help stop this violence! no child should have to endure this situation, we must get involved immediately!)
- Use the “Friend system”. If they are in a situation in which they are being harassed or bullied , teach them this technique: avoid being alone, try to be in the company of a friend and if it a friend who is being a victim, they can too make sure they are supporting him/her by offering their company.
- Anger management. Obviously, a child who is being bullied is going to feel extremely angry, but by displaying anger, we feed the abuser’s need for power, this is exactly what the bully wants. They must learn emotional regulation, start practicing how to deal with anger without crying or losing control, and this is something we must start doing now because it takes a lot of practice to be able to do this, it’s even hard for adults!
- They must learn to avoid and ignore the bully. If any bullying starts, they must assertively tell this person to stop and then leave. And most importantly, they must speak up and get help, talk to teachers, counselors, parents, staff, friends, not only so they can help stop this behavior, but so they can offer advice to deal with this situation.
If our child is being a victim of bullying or harassment, it is crucial that we intervene immediately, even before you know for a fact that he/she is being a victim, a suspicion is enough to start doing something! And this is equally important for the parent who is suspicious about their child being a victim as for the parent who is suspicions of their child being a bully. We need to give attention to both the victim and the aggressor, as a parent it is my responsibility to deal with my child if he/she is displaying bullying behaviors. Remember, violence is not always physical. Violence and abuse can come in many forms: physical, emotional, or mental.
Should I take my child to a therapist?
This is a delicate question. We must understand that violence cannot be managed, in other words, nobody should have to learn to deal with violence. Our most important priority in these situations is to eliminate the exposure to violence. We do not take our child to a therapist to learn how to live their lives with a bully. A therapist can definitely help the child deal with feelings related to the bullying, a therapist can help the child overcome the fear, work on self-esteem, social skills, anxiety, depression, motivation; a therapist can also help the parent on how to deal with this situation at home; but we must always work to eliminating the violence.
