Assertiveness is a fundamental social skill we must possess in order to have a high level of emotional intelligence. An assertive person is the one who will defend his/her thoughts, needs or opinions while not disrespecting or hurting others. It is crucial that we help our kids develop this skill starting at an early age. A child who develops an assertive communication style will know how to relate and connect with others while having the ability to respect himself. The development of assertiveness is essential to the child’s social and emotional well-being.
There are 4 ingredients to an assertive communication:
- Transmitting your ideas in a clear way.
- Ability to generate a level of empathy from the individual receiving the message.
- Maintain a respectful and non-aggressive environment while sharing the message.
- Ability to avoid any conflict generated by the message.
It is important that we as parents encourage our kids to speak up in a respectful way, this is where the balance of teaching them respect, but also teaching them to speak up for themselves is essential. How can we help our child develop such an important skill that will be a determining factor in their self-esteem?
1. Model the behavior.
Remember your is child watching your behavior even more than listening to your words. It starts with us and how we act in front of our children. If you’re in a restaurant and your waiter gives you cold food, how do you behave? Do you respectfully speak up with the waiter or do you scream and disrespect others to get your way, do you say something or does your child see a passive behavior in which you internalize your opinions and needs? Even when we discipline, we show our kids what assertiveness means, when you say “No” does it really mean “No?” do you speak up when someone violates your boundaries? Do you speak up when someone violates other people’s boundaries? Do you apologize to your child when you make a mistake? Do you allow your child to speak up about something? Be aware of how you behave at all times, with family, friends, and socially, your child is watching.
2. Open communication
It is crucial that we prepare our kids to understand rules and boundaries. I can’t stress this enough! Communication between us and our children is so important! We must teach them what are rules and why they exist: legal rules, social rules, school rules, house rules. Teaching them to respect limits and rules will prepare them to speak up when their right is being violated, but it will also teach them to respect other people’s rights.
3. Boundaries.
We must teach them what it means to have boundaries and this where respect comes into the conversation. A younger child will find it easier to understand boundaries when they can see them and touch them; for example a fence, they learn that they cannot cross the fence of a house because it is private; as they grow it is crucial to also teach them about their own and other people’s physical boundaries; the child must learn that their body is theirs and if anyone crosses that boundary they should always speak up.
Teaching them about emotional boundaries is also very important. Talk to them about what it means to respect others but also to defend their right to be respected. Let’s face it, school years are hard, there are kids that tease, and say mean comments. We must teach our child that if a friend teases her it is OK to speak up and if it continues, it is OK to stop being friends with that person. One thing I have taught my children is to not give attention to negative behavior, the person who teases wants to see a reaction, that person wants to see you upset so I have taught them to never feed that attention; BUT there is a limit to this, it is also crucial to teach them to speak up if the person continues teasing or if they feel disrespected. It is never OK to allow someone to damage our self-worth or to damage another people’s self-worth. Our kids will have to face difficult situations in which they will have to choose, “Do I ignore this or do I speak up?” speaking up and letting that person know it is not OK to treat other people with disrespect, or finding help is something they must learn to do. One thing I always try to encourage in my house is communication, why? Because it is during these conversations that my child will tell me about that day that his classmate said something mean to him, it is during these situations that I can encourage him to think about a solution, “What did this person say to you?”, “How did it make you feel?”, “What did you do about it?” “Did you feel it was OK to ignore this person or did you feel you needed to say something?” I never tell my children what to do, I can help them find options, but I always encourage them to find solutions themselves and if they feel violated in some way, I always encourage them to speak up and set limits.
4. Respect the word “No”
Again, another balancing act we must do as parents. How many times have you been in a situation in which your child does not want to hug or kiss someone when greeting? What do we do as parents? It is crucial to encourage them to defend their personal space while always learning manners and respect. I personally have taught my children to always greet, but I never want to make them feel obligated to kiss a person if they don’t want to; so I give them options; “If you don’t feel like kissing or hugging this person, give them a handshake, or wave, even a high five works, just make sure you are greeting, smiling and making eye contact, I highly recommend to start teaching them how to give a proper handshake. The idea here is to encourage respect while also encouraging the independence to protect their personal space and boundaries.
5. Emotional validation
Validating your child’s feelings gives your child a voice, and having a voice is crucial to being assertive. If your son is having a meltdown because he wants a toy you are not going to buy, always acknowledge his feelings while trying to teach him positive behavior, “Chris, I can see you are angry because you want this toy. We cannot buy this toy right now, screaming is not appropriate behavior when we are angry.” You might think it’s not a big deal to acknowledge his feelings but believe me it is! Remember we do not want them to internalize their feelings, we want them to talk about how they feel, learn how to manage these feelings in the future, and learn how to properly express these feelings. It is crucial to give our kids a safe place in which they can talk about their emotions and speak up respectfully about anything they might disagree in the house; these situations serve as stepping stones for raising a child who will speak up when disagreeing with something and they are great opportunities to teach them how to talk about feelings and share opinions in a way that is considerate and respectful which is a key aspect of an assertive communication.
6. Failure
The big F word. Failure is such a crucial aspect of learning. How do we as parents encourage independence and assertiveness in our children if we are constantly overprotecting them from failing? We have that innate need to shield them and protect them from everything, but we don’t realize that it is those situations that form toughness of character. Last year my daughter did not make the cheerleading team, it devastated me to see her so upset and disappointed because she did not make the team, I wanted to take away all of those feelings so she would feel happy again; but it is precisely those moments where she learns to communicate how she feels and understand that life is about falling and getting up again. These are the moments when your role as a parent is so important, so you can encourage them to talk and communicate how they feel and what can they do to improve their situation. When we do everything for them, when we protect them from failure, we drastically limit them in their ability to be assertive and mature individuals in the future.
