Have you ever noticed how good we are at giving advice? When we encounter a person who has a problem we tend to tell that person what to do or our own point of view. We give all types of advice because we think we know what the other person needs. Since we’re little we are used to hearing other people tell us what to do, what to wear, what career we should have, so we model this behavior through our lives.
Our advice is a projection of our beliefs and experiences, so unconsciously we believe that our reality is the best one, so therefore the other person should have the same beliefs, sound familiar? We all do it and we do it with the best intentions, but what about listening? Are we practicing active listening?
Learning how to actively listen is one of the most important skills we can learn! If you think about it, most of the problems that have occurred through history have happened because there was a lack of communication (among other things of course).
But what does listening really mean? Is it just to let the other person talk? Maybe we are already thinking about what we are going to respond. Picture this, you have a friend telling you her story and you are focusing on what is the right answer to give, or maybe you tell her a story about YOU that is similar to her story to make her feel better, or you start giving a big fancy speech about what is right and what is wrong, we have done this too right? and that’s ok because we are not born with listening skills, it is something that can be learned and improved over time.
One of the first lessons on listening started with what Freud called “Evenly Hovering Attention” which meant not directing your attention to anything in particular while the client was talking to the doctor, this is a fundamental rule in psychoanalysis. “He should withhold all conscious influences from his capacity” – S. Freud, 1912. Does this sound easy? Well, it is not and it is a skill that is acquired through practice.
So listening is not just hearing words, it is more of an experience. To be able to truly listen we also need to listen to ourselves. What ideas and impulses have we repressed, you see we all have past experiences, different beliefs, impulses, judgments and all of this influences the way we interpret what other people tell us and how we respond.
I’m going to leave you with these questions:
- How do you feel when a person gives you an advice even though you did not ask for it?
- What are you thinking of when you are hearing the other person? Think about your thoughts, prejudices, impulses, or past experiences that are preventing you from truly listening.
“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.” ― Roy T. Benn
