We have all been there, you arrive at an event and you just know the host of the party, or you just moved to a new city, or you started a new job. All these situations cause a lot of anxiety, how do we meet people and how can we have a confident, great conversation with them?
According to research conducted by the Pew Internet and American Life Project, one in three teens send an average of 100 text messages a day. Older teen girls are sending and receiving an average of 80 text messages a day! while boys are sending and receiving an average of 30. As a mother of two kids who are growing up in this technologically advanced era, these numbers worry me a lot. Believe it or not, something so basic as meeting people and having a conversation has truly become a struggle for most people. As much as I value the advantages of technology, I believe it has also made society increasingly less social. In the 21st century, one of the most important and necessary skills we need to succeed personally, socially and professionally is to be able to initiate and sustain an assertive conversation with someone. Are we overlooking this skill?
In this post I am going to talk to you about two very important aspects of communication: meeting someone and having a great conversation. I am sure you have probably read tips on networking and conversation skills, but my biggest goal with this blog is to leave you with the feeling that meeting someone and having a conversation should not feel like it is something you are “working on”. I do have to tell you that the only way to feel good and confident at it, is to do it, put yourself in situations where you have to meet people and talk to them, with time it will get easier, you will talk to a lot of people, some who have similar ideas as you, some who have different ideas than you, some you like, some you don’t, but you will be able to have an interesting, confident conversation and not feel like it’s a “job” or something you have to get over with.
1. Smile!
You want to look friendly and approachable, even if you’re not talking with anybody. Be careful with your face, body language, and your appearance. A research published in the Social Psychological and Personality Science showed that individuals who dress in formal attire performed better at abstract thinking, proving that the way you dress can impact your performance; the study suggests that when we dress up we have an increased feeling of power which in turn makes us perform better. Taking care of our appearance can impact our level of confidence. The way we dress also impacts the way people perceive us, another research published in the Journal of Research in Personality found that people will create an impression of an individual’s personality, status or politics by the shoes they are wearing! In this research, a group of participants guessed an individual’s age, gender an even income based on pictures of shoes and found that a lot of the information about the shoe’s owner ended up being accurate. I am not saying that you should wear a suit and dress every day to feel great, dress appropriately for the occasion. Take care of your appearance and your hygiene, not only does it make you feel good but you also give a good impression on others, and always be aware of what you are portraying with your face and your body language.
2. Approach and initiate
There are ways to initiate a conversation, what I don’t want you to feel is like you are “working on” the conversation after you “break the ice” it should not feel like a job. I believe this is one of the most common and biggest mistakes we make. You do not have to “learn” how to have a conversation, if you think this way, you are missing the most important point of having a conversation.
When you are having a conversation make sure you are: first, actively paying attention. Do not multitask, be present and that means not thinking about the next clever thing you are going to say. Secondly, actively listen. Start a conversation as if you want to discover something interesting about that person, as if you want to learn something, do not center the conversation on yourself, make sure the talking and the listening is balanced, do not dominate the conversation, if you are entering a conversation thinking that you know everything, then why are you even having a conversation?
Assume you have something to learn from that person and I can guarantee not only will people enjoy talking with you, but you will enjoy meeting people. if you enter a conversation with this mindset, the rest will pretty much come naturally.
Now that you know this, let’s start with the “meeting part”, the “icebreaker”, and let me give you some important tips that will help you tremendously when having a conversation!
-If you are meeting someone for the first time, introduce yourself. Make sure you are looking the person in the eyes and make a proper greeting (A safe bet is to shake hands, of course, be aware of their culture, there are cultures where touching someone is not approved especially if it is a man meeting a woman)
-Start a conversation by talking about a general topic (weather, city, books, how he/she is doing, sports…) be curious! But don’t ask inappropriate or personal questions.
-Stay away from close-ended question. The idea is to start a conversation. Asking questions that give us a yes or no, do quite the opposite. So, make sure you ask open-ended questions, they typically start with: How, Why.
-Find something in common between you. I personally really use this technique. As I am having a conversation with someone, I try to find something common between us, anything from a place we both like, or a thought about something or maybe a parenting issue that both of us might be having, this is a great way to make a connection with the other person and it usually creates very interesting and useful conversations.
I was in an event not too long ago and I only knew the host, so I really had to make an effort to meet new people. While I try to be aware of my non-verbal communication, I scan the place and see what groups are forming or if there is someone alone, I do this while I walk around and move to different spots. Eventually, I found someone and initiated a conversation, after some talking it turned out that this person had lived in the same city I had lived before. This made the conversation very interesting because it opened up a whole different conversation about the city we both had lived in before.
-Ask for an opinion or advice. A great technique to start a conversation is to ask for advice. Everyone likes to feel valued, so by doing this you will not only be learning something you did not know but people will really feel comfortable with you, you will make a great first impression! remember to ask open-ended questions, do not ask inappropriate or personal questions, and at times you can start with a compliment before asking for the opinion, “I love your dress, where did you buy it?”, “Dinner was delicious, how did you make that dessert?”.
-Offer advice. Do the opposite and offer advice on something you know, just remember to balance it out, you do not want to be the only one talking during the whole conversation. This is a great technique for initiating a conversation with a group of people who are talking together. This is what I usually do, and it works every time! Stand close to the group on the periphery and listen. As soon as you feel it’s the right time and you know you can offer a piece of advice on a certain topic, break in graciously and with a smile, give the advice or share an experience, then you introduce yourself and explain why you are there: “let me introduce myself, I’m Vanessa Bolet, a childhood friend of the host, it’s a pleasure to meet you all”
For this technique to work you have to be careful when you break in, do not interrupt anyone who is talking, when you break in, do it smoothly, don’t jump into the group, scare people or interrupt anyone who is talking, if you notice it’s a private conversation, respect their privacy. This technique works well when the topic of conversation is a general topic far from being private.
3. Exit and socialize with other people.
You meet one person at an event and one of these two sticky situations happen: you feel comfortable, so you stay stuck to that person during the whole event or the opposite happens, the person is stuck to you and you want to meet more people. So how do exit graciously? try using one of these techniques:
-“Excuse me, I am going to get something to eat, drink…”
“-Excuse me, I need to go and say hi to a friend…”
-“Let me see if the host needs any help…”
4. Practice, practice, practice!
We are not born with communication or social skills, we work on these skills and get better along the way. Get out of your comfort zone, face your fears and you will see how it starts getting easier with time.
Remember:
-A great conversation has two important ingredients: talking & listening, make sure you are balancing both.
-Be careful with your nonverbal communication.
-Slow down! At times when we get nervous, we make the mistake of talking too fast. Take a deep breath and slow down, this will make you look more confident even when you are feeling nervous inside.
-Smile, look friendly and make it genuine, you don’t want to have a fake smile.
-When talking with people, look at them in the eyes and listen, don’t dominate the conversation and if you feel you are talking too much, use the asking for advice technique.
-Say the other person’s name. People love love love hearing their names! It adds a personal touch to any conversation, when you meet someone, repeat their name during the introduction so you can remember it: “John, it is a pleasure to meet you…” and next time to you see that person, naturally and without overdoing it, use their name in the conversation, you will make a great impression!
-Be yourself! And make an effort to enjoy the conversation.
-When you have negative thoughts like:
“What will they think of me?”
“Will they like me?”
“Nobody will want to talk to me”
Chances are those people you are meeting feel the same way, so make sure you are encouraging yourself! please be careful with negative self-talk, you need to be your own best friend! most of the time we are our own worst critics, especially when we’re afraid. Encourage yourself and don’t be afraid of making mistakes as this is how we learn and improve.
I’m going to leave you with a few quotes that have really changed the way I see myself and the world. University of Houston research professor Brene Brown has become extremely popular over the years because of her extensive research on vulnerability, shame, worthiness, and courage. If you haven’t read her books, I highly recommend them, she is the author of three New York Times No 1 bestsellers and she has numerous appearances.
“Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect.”
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
“Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time. Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”
